Breaking Point.

Tyler and I have both hit are breaking point with each other. We decided today to give each other space and time to think through our personal feelings. I'm hoping in a couple of weeks we will talk again and both of us realize how important the other was in our lives. But until then I'm taking a break on the blog thing, Tyler doesn't like it and I need to respect his wishes. Until then I will be reading my new book, Fireman's Wife. The last book I was reading caused me to think to deep and force others to think to deep. Which has got me where I'm at now.

If your reading this Tyler,
I love you and I'm sorry for the hurt I have caused you. Take the time you need to gather your thoughts and work through your problems. I think once we have had a much needed break we ill find that each other has a special place in our hearts for one another. I would rather not talk for a couple of weeks and solve our issues then not be together for the rest of our lives because we never gave each other space. I hope for us to be better before you start paramedic school on December 12, I would like to help you get through this tough time and make you put in the focus in hours needed to be successful.  Don't make fun on my book I made you it wasn't completed yet. Tyler I can promise you that if we can make it through this things will be different for the better. Remember I'm always here for you and you will remain my hero.

Love will always find a way <3

Sunday Morning.

Well I went out last night. Didn't have as much fun as I thought I would. I'm no longer that immature high school girl and stuff like that doesn't appeal to me. I know it sounds crazy but each day I'm slowly changing and becoming a happier person. I know it's hard to believe because people don't change over night but I have really started seeing a difference. This morning I get a message from one of Tyler friends and my first thought was the worst of course. But as we continued talking I realized he was shocked that we broke up and hopes that we could work through are problems. I really do miss Tyler and I hope he is starting to miss me ignoring the immature argument of the past and missing me as a person. On Monday were suppose to have lunch together and I told him that if he still has faith in me and our relationship to come but if he doesn't than I would rather him not come. I really hope he shows up and we have a nice stress free lunch. If he doesn't show up on Monday I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. When a girl truly loves a guy she will try her best to make things work but after so long of you not trying she gives up. When she gives up good luck on getting her to try again because she doesn't want to go through the pain again.
I thank Tyler's friend for randomly messaging me it has given me hope that our friends are shocked this happened and don't want to see us throw in the towel that easily. Our talk we had on Friday night was a hard one to have but I think it needed to be said. I took a lot of responsibility for my faults in our relationship such as growing up, letting my family's opinion matter more over my own, letting the past into the present and not being honest 100%. All though Tyler didn't say much he did admit he let one person come into our relationship and I hope what I said got him thinking in a positive way so he can make the changes in his life to become a happier person. I'm willing to be patient as long as we are both working through our issues with each other and personally.

Forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile. <3

Supporting our firemen!

This quote says it all!

Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that. <3

Firemen.

All men are created equal, then a few become firemen.

Losing Faith.

Today has been one of the hardest days. I have almost given up hope. The ways he is treating me isn't fair anymore. I know I messed up and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. But I have been treated like this before for almost 4 years by someone else and I can't do it for another. I'm hoping he is different. Im giving him till Monday to change if not I'm just going to have to let go for good. I don't want to I just emotional cant take much more. This book is making me hate living with my mom, sister and brother. But if thats what it takes to for our relationship to work I will do whatever it takes. I love him more than he will ever know. We have been through a lot as a couple that must young adults don't have to deal with. If we can get through this it will only make our relationship stronger, healthier and have a lasting relationship.

True love never dies <3

Smiling for no reason.

Last night I gave Tyler the stuff for his jeep. He loved it! We talked some last night which hopefully helped our relationship. We ended our night watching Duck Dynasty and eating pizza rolls and hot pockets! It was a great night:) I found myself smiling for no reason for the first time in months. He went to work this morning and I hated seeing him leave. He is coming to have lunch with me on Monday while I'm at work, I'm hoping to have a great time and not discuss our relationship. I asked him today that if Monday goes good and we have a great time that maybe Saturday we can go dancing. We haven't danced together in over a year so I think it will be fun! Im hoping to restore the fun in our relationship:)

Kiss tomorrow goodbye <3

Early Christmas Present for Tyler <3

Quote from the book I'm reading.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

-Codependent No More

EMT Prayer.

LORD,

Grant me the wisdom so that I may treat
those of your children that lay at my feet.
Let my hands be gentle, sure and swift
to impart to them your sacred gift.

Let me see only a patient's need
not their color, race or creed.
Help me always to be my best
even when it's on my hours rest.

Grant me the insight to understand why
patients of mine are going to die.
Let me remember that when they do
there is a wonderful life in Heaven with You.

Lord, if in the time of duty I should fall
help my family to hold their heads tall.
For it was You who decided that I should be
one of your chosen few, an EMT.

Paramedic's Prayer!

As I perform my duty, Lord,
Whatever be the call
Help to guide and keep me safe,
From dangers big and small.

I want to serve and do my best
No matter what the scene,
I promise to keep my skills refined,
My judgment sharp and keen.
This calling to give of myself,
most do not understand,
But I stand ready all the time
to help my fellow man.

A word of thanks I might not hear,
but knowing is enough,
That I have helped just even one
To go on to live and love.

Lord, You know what lies ahead of me this day.

The calls I will be asked to respond to,
And those who find themselves in situations they
never imagined
And see no way out.

For them I humbly ask that you would speed
me on with attending angels
At my side guiding every decision and procedure

To all who plead and those who cannot, I pray to
be a Good samaritan
As they look to me for help and rescue.

Help me to save as many as I can,
And should mine be the last face they see,
I pray they will have looked into eyes
That reflected You love for them

In Jesus' Name Amen.

Dear Lord, let me receive the sick
and traumatized with an open and giving heart.
Give to my efforts success so that life may
continue, if it be your will.  Without you
I cannot succeed.

Let me have no purpose except the
glorification of life.
Grant that the sick that you have
placed in my care be abundantly blessed,
and not one of them be lost due to any
neglect on my part.

Help me to overcome any temporal weakness
so that I may serve to my fullest capacity.
Let me always reach out to all in joy, compassion
and with a loving heart.

When God made paramedics, He was into His sixth day of overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?

A Paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark,
dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed,
enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch,
and not wrinkle his uniform."

"He has to be able to lift three times his own weight.
Crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move,
and console a grieving mother as
he is doing CPR on a baby he knows will never breathe again."

"He has to be in top mental condition at all times,
running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals,
and he has to have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God replied.
"It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

God nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as he's drawing blood,
always wondering if the patient is HIV positive."
(When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job)

"Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner's safety.
And another pair of eyes here in front
that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say,
"You'll be alright ma'am when he knows it isn't so."

"Lord," said the angel, touching His sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," God replied.
"I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound
drunk out from behind a steering wheel
without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the Paramedic very slowly.
"Can it think?" she asked.

"You bet", God said.
"It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses;
recite drug calculations in it's sleep;
intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR
nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...
and it still keeps it's sense of humor."

"This medic also has phenomenal personal control.
He can deal with a multi-victim trauma,
coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door,
comfort a murder victim's family,
and then read in the daily paper how Paramedics were
unable to locate a house quickly enough,
allowing the person to die.
A house that had no street sign, no house numbers, no phone to call back."

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Paramedic.

"There's a leak," she pronounced.
"I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," God replied, "It's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.

"It's for bottled up emotions,
for patients they've tried in vain to save,
for commitment to that hope
that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for life."
"You're a genius!" said the angel.

God looked somber.

"I DIDN'T PUT IT THERE" He said.

Life.

My life has been turned upside so I thought on Tuesday. This was until I started reading this book and I read some stories of other EMT girlfriends and wife's and realized what Tyler was going through. Both of these things had been a eye opener and a life changer. I have never been a person to admit the faults and take responsibility for problems that I created in my relationship until now. I have realized I have been absolutely hateful and rude to the people that mattered most in my life. I was to self-centered to notice Tyler was going through a tough time and needed someone to be there for him. I'm not a perfect person nor do I claim to be, but one things is certain that it took losing a very important person to me to realize all this. I'm not happy that we broke up but I cant say that I sad either. This break up has taught me so much about myself that I probably would have never realized if we never took this break. I think this break is very beneficial to the both of us. It gives both of us time to grow up and deal with our personal issues without having to deal with the stress of being in a relationship and also living together. Today he pointed out then when he starts paramedic school that we wont have time for each other and that it isn't fair. Going into this relationship with Tyler I knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park. With his profession he deals with a lot emotional stress and also paramedic school isn't the easiest thing in the world. We are two different people who have lived different lives so of course there is going to be arguments, but they say opposites attract. I told him early that I know it going to be tough not seeing each other now that I have moved out, but in the long run if our relationship can handle paramedic school that it can handle a lot more. Paramedic school can only make us stronger. I want to be there to help him study and celebrate when he passes his test, or has a great shift at work. I want to keep encouraging him throughout his job and school. When going into this relationship I honestly didn't think we would get this far or that I would fall in love with him, but I'm so glad I did. I worry about him going through paramedic school because he isn't a great test taker and doesn't have strong study skills. Tyler is very determined to do great in school so I believe this will help him overcome his faults in school. I also asked if we could go to the homecoming game together before we broke up I was planning on surprising when I get off work and telling him to get dress so we could go. I think it would be great if we went together to bring back the fun in our relationship and its also important that we continue to see each other through the break to show each other that we are changing and that we are working through are problems. If your reading this Tyler, just know I love you and would go to the end of the world for you.

I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy <3

I wish you could know.

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom for trapped children at 3AM, flames rolling above your head, your palms and knees burning as you crawl, the floor sagging under your weight as the kitchen below you burns.
I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 6 in the morning as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try to save his life.
I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I've become too familiar with.
I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire "Is this A false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?" Or to call, "What is wrong with the patient? Is it minor or life-threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?"
I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes. Who will never go on her first date or say the words, "I love you Mommy" again.
I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine, squad, or my personal vehicle, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, "It took you forever to get here!"
I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. "What if this was my daughter, sister, my girlfriend or a friend? What were her parents reaction going to be when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?"
I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call.
I wish you could know how it feels dispatching officers, firefighters and EMT's out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers back or to here a bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance.
I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally, and sometimes physically, abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of, "It will never happen to me.
I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.
I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone's property, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.
I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, "Is Mommy okay?" Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having CPR done on him as they take him away in the Medic Unit. You know all along he did not have his seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with.
Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, who we are, or what our job really means to us...... I wish you could though.

Firefighter's Girlfriend Prayer!

A wake up call!

Tyler and I broke up a couple days ago, something I never expected to happen. It took him breaking up with me to realize I have been a terrible girlfriend to him. He is an EMT and goes through a lot on a daily basis, and I was never there for him. I recently started reading blogs on how EMT's felt after each work day and after terrible calls. I couldn't help but cry the man I loved was going through a lot in his head and I was to busy to even ask if he was okay. Not only that but started reading a book called Codependent No More and it has changed my life for the better. This book speaks directly towards me in every day. I wish I would have read this a year ago and maybe things would be different between Tyler and I. Tyler and I plan on sitting down tomorrow after work and talking through some things that we have both been avoiding. I'm hoping this can save our relationship. We need some time apart so we can both grow up some, and fight through some personal issues. I hope that after tomorrow evening we can take a break and fix those issues and later on date again. We both love each other and that is obvious, but we both need some time to focus on ourselves. I love him and I just hate seeing him go through some of the things he is going through alone.

If it is meant to be, it will happen.

Love.

If you love him, Let him go, If he comes back to you, He's yours forever, If he doesn't, It was never meant to be. <3